Los Llanos: Where the Wild Things Are

Starting in the heights of the Andes, lush and green, I crossed the pass and descended into wild Los Llanos.Los Llanos means “the plains” and I expect Kansas... but it is actually a giant, invested swamp. Under a gigantic sky, these stunningly beautiful wetlands unexpectedly revealed animals on a completely different spectrum (including my guide, Alejandro – just, keep reading).

You know those international-spy-game-indiana-jones films where prisoners are taken into the wilderness to fight random, ferocious animals to the death? Now I know where they go. Los Llanos! Killer bees, anacondas, fire ants, piranhas, crocodiles, caimans (aka American Crocodiles), predator hawks, vultures. Yes, I saw my safari guide wrestle a giant, pregnant anaconda. Yes, a caiman attacked our boat and had to be beaten away with fish and sticks. Yes, we threw whole chickens into the air for the hawks to claw into in mid-flight and devour. Yes, I went fishing for piranhas (caught 4!) but dropped one and had to rescue a toddler wearing sandals as it went madly biting at her toes like a wind-up mechanical toy. It was awesome.

And then the benign creatures – the thousands of elegant birds in all shapes, sizes, and colors (bastards kept me awake all night), the healthy, active populations of iguanas, turtles, and frogs (ok, but GIANT iguanas), the pink river dolphins (which are not cute, but creepy animals that are indeed mutated dolphins living silently in shallow black swamp-canals), the white bulls running through the wetlands, poetically splashing (soon to become dinner), and last but certainly not least, the capybara or “Che-guetas”. The capybaras have the privilege of being the world’s largest rodent. Giant 120-lb rats with slitty eyes and no tails! Oh! Cute! And just like the rats of NYC, these fat, dog sized mud-covered animals lay around in packs EVERYWHERE, very prolific. (I really hope they did not become dinner… but man was that tenderloin tough).

During my stay on the “Hato” (cattle ranch), which I lovingly referred to as “The Spa” (now owned by Chavez, like everything), my guide Alejandro would take me out on converted flatbeds with flat-back benches screwed in or on canoes through the endless mangrove-lined canals. His was a “tour of few words,” in soft, deep monotone (revealing zero excitement whatsoever): “anaconda”… “crocodile” … “grey eagle“… “baby stork“… ”piranha”… … then… “piranha’s an aphrodisiac.” GOOD TO KNOW.

Alex, does your job get old? “No… just routine.”

Ah, another day, another anaconda to wrestle.

Running in Circles

ARUBA

Since my last entry, I have journeyed across six countries – seven if you count Aruba (but I found out it’s actually a colony of the Netherlands... who knew?). During my adventures, I discovered a few more things.

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

One, Geneva has been taken over. Instead of cute French swiss, the place is swarming with internationals from all over, especially, those sheiks, princes, and what have you, just flown on their private jets, from Saudi, Bahrain, Dubai, Oman. Not only do they bring their extended families, wives and daughters shrouded in burkas, but they also bring their cars. The streets of Geneva now parade some of the world most ostentatious vehicles - Lamborghini's, Ferrari's, Luigo's and Mario's, all bearing Arabic license plates.

Sitting in the lobby of The Grand Kempinski Hotel waiting for a taxi, I meet the secretary of one such Sheik, who soon greets an elegant blonde. He soon mentions that the Sheik will need... comfort... during his visit. "Oh, of course," she responds in an exotic, refined accent. Mmmmhmmmm, I SEE why Geneva is so nice.

From there, I take a very modest Merecede's, which duly impresses my European friends because it is an automatic! I've never had the privilege of teaching someone to drive automatic. (No, not the left foot!!) On our way to Italy, I necessarily pass through France, where, two, I discover French cops pull over cars by running fullspeed into oncoming traffic - on the highway (!!!) - and then hand out speeding tickets with a “have a nice day!” – smiling and waving. I drive away 90 euros lighter in under five minutes. Very weird. U.S. Patrol-people have a lot to learn. So do immigration officials.

RIMINI, ITALY

Three, it’s more important who you’re with than where you are. (Ok, this was a discovery from India, but bears repeating.) While I had a blast spending the weekend in passionate, open Italy - and had just acquired a train ticket to return there - somehow I find myself on a direct flight to New York City less than 6 hours later. Crazy. Yes, I love, love to travel but my heart was tired. I needed to tell all the important people that they are.

It’s more important who you’re with than where you are. Love goes out to all, my inspiration - who remind me of my ideals, of what's important.