Starting in the heights of the Andes, lush and green, I crossed the pass and descended into wild Los Llanos.Los Llanos means “the plains” and I expect Kansas... but it is actually a giant, invested swamp. Under a gigantic sky, these stunningly beautiful wetlands unexpectedly revealed animals on a completely different spectrum (including my guide, Alejandro – just, keep reading). 
You know those international-spy-game-indiana-jones films where prisoners are taken into the wilderness to fight random, ferocious animals to the death? Now I know where they go. Los Llanos! Killer bees, anacondas, fire ants, piranhas, crocodiles, caimans (aka American Crocodiles), predator hawks, vultures. Yes, I saw my safari guide wrestle a giant, pregnant anaconda. Yes, a caiman attacked our boat and had to be beaten away with fish and sticks. Yes, we threw whole chickens into the air for the hawks to claw into in mid-flight and devour. Yes, I went fishing for piranhas (caught 4!) but dropped one and had to rescue a toddler wearing sandals as it went madly biting at her toes like a wind-up mechanical toy. It was awesome.
And then the benign creatures – the thousands of elegant birds in all shapes, sizes, and colors (bastards kept me awake all night), the healthy, active populations of iguanas, turtles, and frogs (ok, but GIANT iguanas), the pink river dolphins (which are not cute, but creepy animals that are indeed mutated dolphins living silently in shallow black swamp-canals), the white bulls running through the wetlands, poetically splashing (soon to become dinner), and last but certainly not least, the capybara or “Che-guetas”. The capybaras have the privilege of being the world’s largest rodent. Giant 120-lb rats with slitty eyes and no tails! Oh! Cute! And just like the rats of NYC, these fat, dog sized mud-covered animals lay around in packs EVERYWHERE, very prolific. (I really hope they did not become dinner… but man was that tenderloin tough).
During my stay on the “Hato” (cattle ranch), which I lovingly referred to as “The Spa” (now owned by Chavez, like everything), my guide Alejandro would take me out on converted flatbeds with flat-back benches screwed in or on canoes through the endless mangrove-lined canals. His was a “tour of few words,” in soft, deep monotone (revealing zero excitement whatsoever): “anaconda”… “crocodile” … “grey eagle“… “baby stork“… ”piranha”… … then… “piranha’s an aphrodisiac.” GOOD TO KNOW.
Alex, does your job get old? “No… just routine.”Ah, another day, another anaconda to wrestle.
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